I challenge anyone to come up with a more inane stream of consciousness (or unconsciousness in this case):


“…have been touting their cause and chronicling their travels in a rather idiosyncratic blog.”

Did he mean to say “a rather idiotic blog”? Consider:

“I am jogging outside in 40 degree freezing cold . . . 70 degrees in January and 40 degrees in April. That is exactly why Sheryl Crow and I are in a biodiesel bus going thru the Southeast visiting college campuses to talk about the urgency of this issue and how everyone . . . everyone . . . has to start doing something. I would write more, but I have to go run warm water over my hands and thaw out from my run.”

This is priceless. It’s never in the history of planet Earth been 70 degrees in January and 40 degrees in April before. So, in an effort to alter the awesome work of our Creator, these two are taking a biodiesel bus tour across the country. Americans need to do everything we can to improve our image in Europe, so start using 3 inches of toilet paper after that beef burrito! Excuse me while I go waste some hot water to warm my frigid little hands up.

“I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don’t want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.”

Must I respond to this inanity? Imagine the wreckage and horror that an idea like this could spawn in the soon to be soiled hands of someone like Mayor Bloomberg. Nobody would ever shake hands in New York City again. But look on the bright side – at least there won’t be any trans-fats in your E. coli laden salad.

Let’s get something straight: the size of one’s “ecological footprint” is directly proportionate to the size of one’s bank account. There’s simply no avoiding this fact. The more wealth you create, the more supposed ecological ruin you rain down on poor, unsuspecting Mother Earth. Given that fact, Crow’s footprint is roughly the size of Somalia – no matter how many biodiesel vehicles she decides to drive across the country. So, if Sheryl Crow and her rich counterpart (Larry David’s wife, just in case you hadn’t noticed) are serious about reducing their ecological footprint, they can start by erasing their billion dollar bank acconts, setting fire to their cars, houses, jets, exorbitant front yards and tennis courts and moving out into the woods to live like the Grizzly Man. Otherwise, they can stop lecturing me about my Chevy S10.

“This next idea I have been saving but I will share it with you if you promise not to steal it. It is my latest, very exciting idea for creating incentive for us all to minimize our own personal carbon footprints. It’s a reality show. (I feel pretty certain NO ONE has thought of this yet!) Here is the premise: the contest consists of 10 people who are competing for the top spot as the person who lives the “greenest” life. This will be reflected in the contestant’s home, his business, and his own personal living style. The winner of this challenging, prestigious, contest would receive what??. . . . a recording contract!!!!!

Would you be allowed to warm your hands up with hot water or do you have to live in a tent and eat Nutri-Grain bars? I can see it now: “Ladies and gentlemen, the award goes to… that homeless guy on the corner of 34th and Broadway! He hasn’t used electrictiy in over two years!!” A brilliant idea. Truly awe-inspiring.

I would like to thank the creative minds of the Washington Post for bringing this to us. This was a thoroughly riveting news event. Thank you.